The Worst Movies of 2017
Here they are, the worst films I forced myself to sit through in 2017. Each was excruciatingly painful to watch, and I contemplated leaving the theater in just about every scenario.
This list is of course based on what I was able to go out and see this year, so there may be some films not on this list that very well should be. Like The Snowman and Flatliners for example, which I heard were just terrible. Regardless of my decision not to see said films, let’s dig in, shall we?
Honorable Mentions: Transformers: The Last Knight, Great Wall, Smurfs: The Lost Village, Rings
Congrats to all of you that made it, you were just awful enough!
10. All Eyez on Me
A failed biopic on the iconic rapper Tupac Shakur, All Eyez on Me had some of the worst editing and cinematography I’ve seen all year. Riding on the coattails of Straight Outta Compton (the critically and financially successful biopic about N.W.A.), All Eyez on Me incorporated too many one-dimensional characters and half-baked racial messages.
9. Daddy’s Home 2
A rather unpleasant comedy starring typically A-list actors, Daddy’s Home 2 simply wasn’t funny, at least for the most part. There were occasional sight gags and one-liners that got a light exhale from me, but overall the film was pointless and had me antsy to leave.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
The only film on this list to be part of an already established blockbuster series is Dead Men Tell No Tales, which I consider to be the final nail in the coffin to Pirates of the Caribbean. Not only was the MacGuffin plot (the only kind of plot known to the Pirates Universe) trite and tiresome, it had the most bland and basic characters in the entire franchise. Especially the strong, independent woman, who felt the need to tell you how strong and independent she was every time she was onscreen.
Even the character of Jack Sparrow, who has proven to be quite a fun and mischievous personality, is irrevocably ruined by the bumbling writers.
7. The Circle
The Circle attempted to preach metaphors about the dangers of technology without any firm understanding of its subject matter. Mixed with an unrealistic plot and wasted performances from an ensemble cast (including the now deceased Bill Paxton), The Circle is as disappointing as it is ignoramus.
6. 47 Meters Down
47 Meters Down is about as boring as a killer shark movie could possibly be. Two thirds of the runtime were made up of obvious filler involving long overused plot devices. When we actually got to see the sharks, they were nothing more than cheap, SyFy channel CGI. I’m offended that this even made it into the theater with such hand-me-down graphics. Topped with an obnoxious ending synonymous with a giant middle finger to the audience, I was tired with 47 Meters Down from start to finish.
5. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
The best way to describe this Game of Thrones/Lord of the Rings knock off is incoherent and disjointed. Scenes are sloppily thrown together and edited in such a way that made much of what was going on incomprehensible. Overall, King Arthur was a not-so-epic fantasy that wasted its talent (including Jude Law and Charlie Hunnam) and managed to sink below my already low expectations.
4. Phoenix Forgotten
I hate almost every film I’ve seen that utilizes found footage, and Phoenix Forgotten is no exception.
The entire shtick of this genre anymore is that you initially think the footage may somehow be real. In the same vain as something like The Blair Witch Project or to a slightly lesser degree Paranormal Activity. The only issue here? Phoenix Forgotten is obviously fake from the moment the film starts. So when the audience is already salient that what they’re seeing is fake, their ceases to be any point in watching. This isn’t true for all found footage films, but Phoenix Forgotten has so little going for it that profound boredom sets in quick.
3. The Mummy
The only pleasure I took from The Mummy was watching the film financially tank.
Instead of taking The Mummy back to its spooky Universal monster movie roots, the studio decided to turn it into a big, bloated action/adventure extravaganza. And what was meant to be the start of an entire franchise has become the butt of everyone’s jokes.
Starring the horribly miscast Tom Cruise (who appears confused for the entire film), The Mummy has little to offer audiences. Other than sensory overload and shoddy attempts at humor.
2. The Bye Bye Man
The Bye Bye Man is the second worst concept for a film on this list (we’ll get to the worst here in a minute).
A horror film with a tremendously muddled premise and underdeveloped characters, The Bye Bye Man is one of the least effective horror flicks I’ve seen in a very long time. There is plenty of enjoyment to be had from just how terrible the performances and CGI are, I just felt morally obligated to rank The Bye Bye Man high on this list.
And the absolute worst film of the year: The Emoji Movie
This trendy, cynical piece of lazily animated trash is void of imagination and creativity. To quote a review I initially wrote about The Emoji Movie, “It’s unoriginal, uninspired, mediocre, boring, manipulative, and downright asinine”.
I feel emotionally drained just thinking and writing about how bad it was, and I hope in the future we never get another film that sends the message, “Text more, think less”.